Hiding behind my weight…there, I said it.
This is something I have yet to admit and it’s something that I’m ashamed of, but I feel like I need to say it somewhere.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been eating, and I order online, and it used to be a cinch, now I feel like I barely fit into my clothes and it’s scary. I just want to shrink, and there’s not other way other than a diet change and some exercise.
Here’s the thing… I’m terrified about how I’m going to look after. What if even then I’m not happy with myself? What if I still feel like I’m ugly? I’ve been the self-proclaimed “juicy” girl for so long that I don’t know what to do, how I’m going to identify myself, if it’ll make me happy… I’m so conflicted and it’s scary and horrible and I feel like the ugliest girl with so much to give, and I have the most amazing boyfriend and I feel like he deserves the most amazing girl, and I know I’m that for him, but I want to love myself so he knows that he has someone as amazing as he thinks. I’m really lost and I need help.
When he says “you mean everything to me”
That means you’re his air, it means you’re his soul, it means he might have lived a perfectly happy life before he met you, but now that he’s held you and kissed you and given you his heart, there’s nothing he’d rather do than live the most perfect imperfect life with you. You are literally his sun in the morning, and the moon that leads him through the night. Without you, it just wouldn’t work… and if it hadn’t happened before, once he utters those words, you realize he’s your everything, too <3
Recently started wearing make up daily (…)
Day 1: I look good
Day 2: As long as I don’t over do it, it should be okay
Day 3, no make up: I look like death. No wonder nobody saw me as attractive without it.
I hate this.
GOD BLESS YOU, MISS MAYAGUEZ… And To all those who criticize girls in pageants:
I’d love to see everyone who judges pageant contestants to put on a dress, have makeup from head to toe, smile for 15 minutes straight in six inch heels and a dress that doesn’t let you breathe while answering a question on the spot and then tolerate criticism from an entire island.
A girl I know represented my town in a local pageant. She’s beautiful, intelligent, and talented. She might have been nervous, but fuck, wouldn’t you be??? She did amazingly well, and I’m proud of her. She made me realize beauty is something physical, but it only shines if your personality is just as beautiful. I have curves, curly hair… A lot of people wouldn’t think I was beautiful. But she helped me realize confidence is key, and she truly IS one of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever seen, outside but her heart is what makes her one of the nicest people…
So next time you watch these things, don’t fucking judge. To some people, these girls represent a lot more than a crown.
What’s not the cure for insecurities?
I’ll walk in with what I believe is something I’ll walk out with… Everything becomes “goal clothes”, clothing I believe I need a hotter body to wear… And I’m gonna work for it.
And I don’t think I’m that bad, but I just walk away feeling so fat and ugly and worthless… Damned insecurities.